just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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