I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
