There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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