I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
