My friends, they love my intelligence
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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