I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
my liver is dry heaving
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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