So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
