He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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