So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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