tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Pooping to opera.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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