Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
