I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
