i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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