cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
