My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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