My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
