I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize