Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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