Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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