My nipple is on Facebook.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
