i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
