my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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