When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
