my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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