Cold hands, warm shart.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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