My liver just broke up with me...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
