Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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