someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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