How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
