i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
