I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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