He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
