it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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