OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
