upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
