He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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