I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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