she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she told me i tasted like america
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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