Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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