If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Acid is not a monday night drug
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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