I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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