1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
