i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
