Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I did not marry a roomba.
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