Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
