you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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