he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
