I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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