I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i've created a new STD.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
