why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
