theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
