She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
