I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize