I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
