tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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