i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
honey bunches of taint.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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