the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
