oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
