mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My hand turned me down
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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