I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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