According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
