i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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